I stole quietly into my 14 month old baby boy's room this morning. I normally go in with a big smile, singing a little song. He greets me with his 5 toothed grin and as much bedhead as he can muster with the modest amount of hair he is sporting these days. Today was a little different because he wasn't awake quite yet, and I wanted it to stay that way. I just needed a few moments to stare at him, to drink him in. Though he can be VERY loud during the day, reaching octaves I thought were reserved only for Pterodactyls, in this moment he was peaceful. I wanted to focus on his life and how in a seeming blink of a eye he had welded his soul to mine. His life holds infinite value for me. It held value before I ever felt those quiet butterfly motions that were the first tangible sign that he was really, really there.
I needed to start slow and thoughtful this morning. I had a rough night, to say the least. I spent hours tossing and turning. Left side, right side, on my back, and repeat. I searched in the darkness for the time on my non-illuminated clock for what seemed like the millionth time. I could hear Ryan's slow and steady breath next to me. It was comforting, and yet still didn't apply enough of the soothing balm necessary to take away the thoughts that assaulted me from every angle. Images and words tore through my brain like a jagged knife.
That's what I get for watching the GOP debate right before I go to bed. I know. I know. I have a few friends and family members that will be inclined to shove their phone back in their pocket or slam the laptop lid shut and not read another sentence. I totally understand. I've done the same to you before (wink wink). Though I am a fiercely political person, I do my very best to avoid politics in the social media world. It is far too easy to forget how much we love each other during a debate that uses such an impersonal medium. Besides that, anybody can post anything and people will take it for fact. Never mind that it was probably written by a chimpanzee in a dark basement with nothing better to do than stir up controversy. An actual chimpanzee.
But this post today, for me at least, isn't political. Some may take it as such, but that's not really my problem. This post is about something I heard last night that I may never be able to shake from my brain.
THIS..... (Warning. This is extremely graphic).
Obama fan? Clinton fan? Fiorina fan? I don't really care. Republican? Democrat? Independent? Purple Spotted Lizard? I don't care. Pro-Life? Pro-Choice? Caught somewhere in the middle? I DONT CARE. Try and listen to this woman's monologue without being moved. I dare you. You see, I have very purposefully avoided any details in the Planned Parenthood controversy out of selfish self-preservation. I know me, and I know that my stomach literally wages war against me when I hear details like this. I know it is the one thing in this world that makes me more MAD than any other. I myself am anti-abortion in most cases. But I understand that abortion is legal and that's not going anywhere. I get that. I understand that there are times when it is necessary. The option was given to the mother of the son I am raising when she found out at 20 weeks along that she had an extremely aggressive brain tumor, and they would not be able to start treatment until she either gave birth or aborted him. It gives me nightmares to think on it, but I wouldn't have blamed her if she chose that path. I understand that sometimes a woman is so scared, ashamed, or uneducated about her options that she truly feels this is the only way out. I get that. This isn't about those women for one hot second. It's not even about the women who are none of the above.
I had an experience earlier this year that I feel like changed the makeup of my character. My husband's brother and his wife struggled to get pregnant for years. When they announced at a family party that they were finally able to conceive, the electricity in the room was tangible. We rejoiced with them when they found out they were having a beautiful baby boy. I felt gripping fear when she was admitted to the hospital only a couple of weeks later with an incompetent cervix. Her body was struggling to hold their precious baby in, and at 21 weeks along, the prognosis was grim. As her body went into labor, they opted for a surgery that would give them a one in a million chance of saving him. But it was not to be, and I felt deep to the core despair as I witnessed his daddy come into a hospital room where we all sat and announce that the surgery had not been successful. His voice cracked and tears streamed down his face as he reported that she would deliver their precious baby Pratt sometime in the next hour.
After his parents and older sister had time to process and spend private time with him, family was invited into the room to share what I am sure will remain one of the most sacred experiences of my entire life. I was able to hold him for a few seconds, see his chest rise and fall, and kiss his smooth baby skin. I witnessed the time that he slipped from this world. During that short hour, my understanding of why we are here in this world and the intrinsic value of life, no matter how many seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, or years it has lasted deepened.
This post isn't about abortion. It isn't about politics. It isn't about choices. It isn't about healthcare, or government funding, or women's issues. It IS about what Ms. Fiorina mentioned here in this clip. CHARACTER. It's about RESPECT for living, breathing, kicking "outside of the womb" HUMAN life and the organizations and people that support it and those that do not. And a question. A question that has as many different answers as there are people to answer it. What do YOU support and what do YOU value?
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