Mom Guilt

I can't be the only one with this problem. I suffer from a sickness that eats at me everyday of my life, possibly every hour. It causes me mental, emotional, and spiritual stress. I have a horrible case of "Mom Guilt". If you are anything like me, this phrase requires no explanation. But, for those of you who happen to have all of your ducks in a row or more free time than anyone I know, I will give an explanation. "Mom Guilt" is that pit in your stomach you feel when you go through a whole day without having read one word to your child. Its the nagging feeling you get when you realize you chose to spend 30 minutes on Pinterest and therefore did not have time to dance around the living room to Disney songs with your daughter. Heck! Forget about personal time on Pinterest! Its the dilemma you face when you know you have multiple loads of laundry, an entire house to vacuum, and 3 bathrooms to get clean and your son wants you to sit still and listen to his account of the game "Boys Chase Girls" that he played during recess today. In short, "Mom Guilt"  is the feeling we get when we have chosen something, ANYTHING really, over quality time spent with our children.

I am going to be very straightforward and admit that most of the time my guilt does not come from chosing personal time and interests over my children. My guilt comes from an Obssessive Compulsive (self-diagnosed :) need to engage in homemaking activities 24/7. Making my own baby food. Cooking from scratch every night. Sticking to a very rigid daily cleaning schedule. Researching food storage techniques. I am telling you..... I have a problem. Aha! I can feel it right this very second picking away at my conscience. My children are out back playing some ridiculous game involving trolls and basketball players and instead of watching them, cheering them on, laughing at their ridiculousness, I sit on the computer and try to analyze why I am not out there playing with them. Its a vicious cycle, really.

I have tried to pinpoint the source of this guilt that we feel. I became a single mother when my first baby was very young. 5 weeks old. We spent so much quality time together that it was coming out of our ears. I never got a babysitter for her unless it was the most extenuating of circumstances. Then, every couple of months, all of a sudden I would feel this pressure building up from a complete lack of personal time. I would call my mother or mother-in-law and try to hold back the tears as I asked them if I could drop off my baby right this very instant. I think I felt like this was my chosen career, my God-given destiny, to be a mother, and that it was wrong somehow to try and get a break from it.  That if I wasn't enjoying every single second spent with my child, that something was wrong with me.

I was wrong. Dead wrong.

The blame can be placed on a lot of things. I can blame it on the idealism of Pinterest, the "putting my best foot forward" anecdotes from Mom blogs, the perceived competition I sometimes feel with other mothers about our homemaking or child rearing skills, or even quotes from my church leaders or other great women and men about the unparalleled influence that a mother has on her children. The truth is though, that I have to embrace two facts. The first is that no one has control over me and no one can influence my feelings unless I let them. I need to take charge of the way that I feel. The second is that I AM ENOUGH. As long as I am doing my best and showing love to my children, my efforts will be multiplied and magnified by Him whose sacrafice enables us all to be more than we could ever be on our own. And once in awhile my best means we just didn't find the time to intricately braid the 3 year old's hair, drop everything to read a tall stack of picture books, or make my own household cleaners. Heck, sometimes it means we didn't have time to put clothes on, brush teeth, or eat something other than Top Ramen for dinner. And do you know what? That's okay!

A New Beginning

I have had a lot of thoughts on my mind over the last little while. They have been picking at me, struggling for an outlet. I feel like I am at my best when I am expressing myself through writing. Journaling has been helpful in the past,  but I feel as if I need something with a little more
purpose. God has bestowed upon me some pretty intense lessons, lessons that inspire awe in me when I really stop to think about it. I feel like I would be selfish if I didn't experience out loud, so that others who are searching for a beacon of light in their own night of blackness can learn along with me. Thus begins this new blog: a place for me to learn as I write and others to experience along with me. Now, to decide what to write about ;)