Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Mom Guilt

I can't be the only one with this problem. I suffer from a sickness that eats at me everyday of my life, possibly every hour. It causes me mental, emotional, and spiritual stress. I have a horrible case of "Mom Guilt". If you are anything like me, this phrase requires no explanation. But, for those of you who happen to have all of your ducks in a row or more free time than anyone I know, I will give an explanation. "Mom Guilt" is that pit in your stomach you feel when you go through a whole day without having read one word to your child. Its the nagging feeling you get when you realize you chose to spend 30 minutes on Pinterest and therefore did not have time to dance around the living room to Disney songs with your daughter. Heck! Forget about personal time on Pinterest! Its the dilemma you face when you know you have multiple loads of laundry, an entire house to vacuum, and 3 bathrooms to get clean and your son wants you to sit still and listen to his account of the game "Boys Chase Girls" that he played during recess today. In short, "Mom Guilt"  is the feeling we get when we have chosen something, ANYTHING really, over quality time spent with our children.

I am going to be very straightforward and admit that most of the time my guilt does not come from chosing personal time and interests over my children. My guilt comes from an Obssessive Compulsive (self-diagnosed :) need to engage in homemaking activities 24/7. Making my own baby food. Cooking from scratch every night. Sticking to a very rigid daily cleaning schedule. Researching food storage techniques. I am telling you..... I have a problem. Aha! I can feel it right this very second picking away at my conscience. My children are out back playing some ridiculous game involving trolls and basketball players and instead of watching them, cheering them on, laughing at their ridiculousness, I sit on the computer and try to analyze why I am not out there playing with them. Its a vicious cycle, really.

I have tried to pinpoint the source of this guilt that we feel. I became a single mother when my first baby was very young. 5 weeks old. We spent so much quality time together that it was coming out of our ears. I never got a babysitter for her unless it was the most extenuating of circumstances. Then, every couple of months, all of a sudden I would feel this pressure building up from a complete lack of personal time. I would call my mother or mother-in-law and try to hold back the tears as I asked them if I could drop off my baby right this very instant. I think I felt like this was my chosen career, my God-given destiny, to be a mother, and that it was wrong somehow to try and get a break from it.  That if I wasn't enjoying every single second spent with my child, that something was wrong with me.

I was wrong. Dead wrong.

The blame can be placed on a lot of things. I can blame it on the idealism of Pinterest, the "putting my best foot forward" anecdotes from Mom blogs, the perceived competition I sometimes feel with other mothers about our homemaking or child rearing skills, or even quotes from my church leaders or other great women and men about the unparalleled influence that a mother has on her children. The truth is though, that I have to embrace two facts. The first is that no one has control over me and no one can influence my feelings unless I let them. I need to take charge of the way that I feel. The second is that I AM ENOUGH. As long as I am doing my best and showing love to my children, my efforts will be multiplied and magnified by Him whose sacrafice enables us all to be more than we could ever be on our own. And once in awhile my best means we just didn't find the time to intricately braid the 3 year old's hair, drop everything to read a tall stack of picture books, or make my own household cleaners. Heck, sometimes it means we didn't have time to put clothes on, brush teeth, or eat something other than Top Ramen for dinner. And do you know what? That's okay!

5 comments:

  1. Wow. That was wonderful! Good writing! I spend a lot of time cleaning. I think being a mother is a full-time job and being a housekeeper is a full-time job. Working two full-time jobs is hard!! It's enough to make anyone feel bi-polar. I think the beautiful thing is we each have strengths that are different from one another. Not every mom is the "play with your kids" type. But they are good at other things and some moms are great at playing but really lousy at housekeeping. Guilt shmilt. That's what I say. I get mom guilt the last 15 minutes of the day when I'm lying in bed to try to fall asleep. I had a good friend who was my roommate at BYU give me good advice as I have always had trouble falling asleep even before I became a mom, she said: "When I lie down to fall to sleep, I just think, 'This day is over. There is nothing more to be done about it so I will fall asleep and try again tomorrow." That helps sometimes. Melatonin works when all else fails.

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  2. Wow Brooke,
    I have a great respect, admiration, and love toward you. Your words go deep and penetrate my very being. I am in awe by your talent in writing. Your words of sincere reality embrace my inner self as I often question my motherhood as well.
    We all know that there is NO Greater calling than that of a Mother, and there is NO harder one either! It is an emotional roller coaster that leaves us constantly questioning, "Did I try hard enough?"
    Keep writing Brooke. I'm totally addicted.
    Also, as soon as you're done blogging, would you please compile all of your writings in a book and sign it for me? Thanks! HA
    Love you,
    Dani G

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  3. Oh girl! If I had a nickel for every time I've felt mom guilt I'd be super rich right now. BUT this last year I've been on a journey to kick it and I've made some serious progress. I was a perfectionist to the core and now I've a recovering perfectionist. I still have my moments but now some days I laugh at the dishes in my sink and stay in my pajamas all day and play with the girls. I'll be honest I've kind of swung to the other side a bit and now I'm trying to find a healthy balance. Not that we're living in a dump but compared to how I used to run this ship it's a little messier than before. I'm just learning to smile at the messes and tell myself that this stage won't last forever. I've been itching to write myself and have a blog set up but my fingers have hovered over the keyboards many times and no thoughts have come. My problem is that my blog posts often come when I am praying, falling asleep or in the shower and I can't or forget to write them down and then lose the inspiration. But I'm trying to remember to jot notes for later. Thanks for being an inspiration. You always have been and always will be one of the best people I've ever known. Love you!

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  4. Great way to express this. I get mom guilt a lot while working from home because M has to entertain herself. And it's a strange and wonderful day if the house gets cleaned. But I'm here and I'm making it work! It's something to be grateful for. The point you made, "I AM ENOUGH" is something I remember in my life because of you. You may not remember, but at my baby shower, people wrote messages on diapers. Who would have known that about a month later I'd be on my own with a newborn and two very confused/sad children. I came to your diaper in the stack a couple weeks later and all it said was, "You are enough." It made a huge impact. I am so grateful for you and the example you are to me.

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  5. Amen sister!
    I can just ditto to all of that.

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